“The essence of my being” (More of yours truly) – Part 1

So I promised to give you more of me, and in this and the coming few posts I would like to tell you about the two moments in my life that have affected me the most – on very personal and emotional levels – and how I have dealt with them over time. So we’re talking about life-changing experiences, things that happen that change us completely and shape us into the person we’re meant to be.

14339881_992961160812313_2095101178_oMy mum and I.

 

The first life experience revolves Family. With a capital F, yes. Because we’re talking close Family.

In my last post I sort of scratched the surface a bit as to how I grew up: single mum, distant dad, close siblings, but on our own.

Well, above is a picture of my mum and I being a bit silly on her last visit to Australia.

She’s my rock. Literally. She has stood by my siblings and I through everything, and she does more for us than one can really imagine. Like mothers do. Only she had to be more than just a mum, she was everything all at once, because we didn’t have that much more when it came to family and relatives.

Now, don’t get me wrong. For me, this is nothing negative. This just means that I had a different childhood than my friend who grew up with two very supporting parents and a big network of family members, such as aunties, uncles, cousins, amazing grandparents, etc. But still to me, my childhood was perfect in its own imperfect way.

The only time I ever suffered was when my “dad” was in the picture. I put that word in quotation marks simply because he wasn’t a dad to me, and that title is one you need to earn.
Anyway. He was – or, is – a… special man, in lack of other words. He isn’t a person that makes people feel very good about themselves. He is very selfish and negative, and not at all truthful. He’s extremely manipulative. And he thinks that everyone is out to get him at all times.

My mum divorced him not long after I was born. So we spent every second weekend at his house trapped in cigarette smoke 24/7, eating nothing but bad greasy pizza and lots of sweets, and doing nothing but watch him sleep.
That middle part might sound like a dream come true for a kid, but I quickly learned that it really isn’t when you’re super hungry and just want some proper, home cooked food that you don’t have to wipe down with paper towels before you attempt to eat it.

He came and went, though, throughout my childhood. There were times when I couldn’t remember the last time I’d seen him, and didn’t at all know where to find him.
It’s a strange thing, longing for someone, and yet not. I guess I was just longing for the thought of someone – someone that he was not. I was hurting when he was away, missing having a dad around, but then when he returned I was hurt having him around, because of who and what he was.

This is all way too confusing for a child, if you ask me.

 

5449-quotes-about-children

 

So fast forward to two weeks before I turned 16. I had just started high school (in Sweden) the day before, and we were all spending time together at my mum’s house. Things had been going really well for quite a while and so mum brought up the conversation of him being more involved in our lives (this is what she always wanted for us, having had a distant father herself). But with him being what he is (thinking everyone being against him at all times) he took things way wrong. He got angry, to a threatening point. Something shadowed his eyes in a way I had rarely seen before. So he got up and started walking to the gate, claiming he wasn’t able to have such a conversation at the moment, that he had work to do.

I guess that was always his biggest problem – he had no sense of responsibility. Just couldn’t deal. And so he would always hide his lack of it, pretending that he had other, more important things to do.

I can still see it clearly in my mind, him standing on the other side of our green garden gate, telling me that he’ll give me a call. I knew in that moment what he was doing. I had seen it before and I knew things better now than when I was five. He was leaving.

I didn’t say anything, simply because I couldn’t muster it at the time. But I had decided in that moment that he was not the one leaving this time

So I wrote him an email (I decided to communicate in his way, because it was his thing to write people letters when he needed to say things). I poured my heart out into that letter. And I cried and cried. I watched my brother disintegrate – he, too, knew what was happening. And I was furious about everything. As I sent that email, there was a weight that lifted off my shoulders; it was as if my whole body sighed in relief.

No more, I said. No more.

And there wasn’t.

For years, we didn’t hear anything from or about him. Except for everything we had to try and deal with, it was quiet and peaceful.

Until we found out that one of our aunties (that is, my mum’s sister!) had secretly invited him back into the family. We were furious with everyone for letting him in. They all knew the story, they all knew how much it had taken for us to be done with him and his poison.

So that’s when we decided to cut all ties (except for one of my aunties). There was just no reason for us to keep contact with people (we’re talking grandparents, aunties, cousins…) who hurt us in the worst possible way.

Last year, for my birthday, my maternal grandfather wrote me an email wishing me happy birthday. As if nothing had happened – as if we hadn’t not spoken for almost three years. I wrote him back, short and concise saying once again that I was hurt by their actions and wanted nothing to do with them. And I certainly didn’t want a “happy birthday” from them.

What I got in return was an email about the length of two A4-pages, I’d say. I didn’t read it. As soon as I realised my pulse was beating faster and faster, and after spotting a couple of not so kind words here and there, I knew that I didn’t want to know of the foulness pouring from that man’s fingers.

So I pressed the delete button twice, and it was gone forever. All of it. And with it all, their power over me and my well-being disappeared. There would be no use whatsoever in me trying to get the last word, because it was never going to happen anyway. Instead, I just let it go.

There are some things you can control and others that you cannot. Sometimes, all we can do is accept things for what they are.

Now, I may have only grown up with a mum as support, and there have been many times when I have missed not having an amazing dad and better grandparents. But I now also know that I am better off with what I have, rather than hurting from something that isn’t right.

 

true-forgiveness-is-when-you-can-say

 

So I guess you could say I had a tough childhood without knowing it – because I grew up with a mother who refused to let me know. I grew up with a mother who made the very most of the little she had – or most of the time, didn’t have. And I’m forever grateful for that. Sure, there are a lot of things I’ve had to go through and deal with as a teenager and adult (I’ll tell you more about this in my next post!), but I have no regrets and certainly no remorse. And neither do I hold any bitterness or any grudge towards anyone, because I have been able, in time, to forgive both them and myself for everything that has happened.

I am who I am because of all of this. And I’m honestly pretty damn proud of the person I’ve become!

Have you been able to forgive and let go of things from your childhood? And are you proud of who you are today? Let me know in the comments! It’s always good to know we’re not alone in this πŸ™‚

Endless love,

j7

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26 thoughts on ““The essence of my being” (More of yours truly) – Part 1

  1. Reading each time there is so much to listen in between every word….. Many a things we have to accept is just like someone forces us to and even after we do sometimes it looks that someone still needs more from us….will read again to see more depth.
    Be blessed .,Jo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for reading and commenting, Pawan!
      Yes, that’s so true. Life takes you through so many different challenges, but then it’s up to us how we want to deal with whatever goes on. Some things are harder to deal with, but it can still be done!
      All the best to you, my friend!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Grateful to you for replying back
        As each word brings positive vibes
        Life is a mystery not to understand
        Life is a game to play again
        We have been through all
        Yet we forget
        Changes are for growth
        To move on with faith
        Yes so right you are
        We need to know
        It depends on us
        How life has to be
        We are the one to create it again
        Moving from past is the only way
        Accepting life as it comes will make us strong
        Yes beautiful soul all can be done
        Thank you for the wishes
        It comes as blessing

        Like

    1. I don’t know, Arv! But I don’t really see it as suffering – more like trials to grow from. It’s been painful at times, but at the same time it’s taught me a lot and it helped my closest family to grow super close. I know I can always count on my mum and siblings for everything, and when we all start having families of our own, I know we’ll be an amazing, big family! πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow! This post is really emotional and personal.
    Ok, let me first say that I like your picture with your mum. It really shows how close you are and gow happy you two are when together. ☺
    I’m sad to know about your childhood experience with your father…I can’t say I understand how you feel or felt but I get the picture, it’s not a pleasant experience. But I want to share you something I learned from Tony Robbins, he said that “if you’re going to blame people for the bad things, you gotta blame them for the good things too!”…I think you know what he means, that perhaps you wouldn’t be the strong, wise, smart, loving person you are today without that “unpleasant” experience you had to go through…
    Anyways, I pray for more love, peace and happiness to you and your family!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for the support, Nina!
      That’s absolutely right! It’s like the Oprah quote I put at the end πŸ™‚
      I wouldn’t be the person I am today, standing where I stand, without this experience. So for that I’m grateful.
      I feel no more guilt or blame, because I understand that this was something I needed to go through, for one reason or another.
      And from now on there’ll be plenty of the good stuff coming! πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That’s great to know! πŸ™‚ It’s easier to live a peaceful and happy life without those extra baggage so good for you for moving on and letting go. πŸ™‚
        I look forward to the good stuffs!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you so much for sharing such personal and painful stories from your life. Yes, I have been able to forgive my parents. I know they did the best they could do at the time. I know that being a parent is extremely hard and I make lots of mistakes. My parents are love me so much, even though we still have conflicts. It’s better now because I am an adult and I can communicate my feelings, positive or negative to them. I had a tough childhood; I cried every day. But as you said, these experiences made us who we are, and I take the parts that work for me, and I leave the parts that don’t. Great job working on forgiveness and setting boundaries in your family. Your mom sounds amazing!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Traci! ❀
      Family is hard, because they're, in a way, forced upon you. But I also believe we get the family that we get for a reason, and then it's up to us how we deal with it.
      I'm glad you have found peace with both your parents! Isn't it true that you do the best you can – most parents, anyway! Thank you for sharing!

      Liked by 2 people

  4. It’s very strong of you to be able to share this in the way you do now. But you have always been the strong one of us and the rational one.
    It is interesting to see your perspective of the events and the differences from the way I remembered it. Some parts I didn’t remember at all as my mind probably deleted them somewhere throughout the years.

    I didn’t know he wrote you that much. That much crap. It’s funny however that you are the nice and decent one and I made them know me as the asshole. Due to that they have never tried to contact me and frankly I’m quite happy for that!
    /Big brother

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s only because it’s now past me. I’ve stepped outside of it, and no longer let it affect me. We never did anything wrong, and for that I’m happy and finally able to stay neutral to it all.
      Yeah, I let him know that I wanted nothing to do with them, and I guess he couldn’t tolerate that – being why he wrote me back even though I told him not to. But that’s his problem.
      I have found my peace now and forever πŸ™‚

      Like

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